If you have been in a difficult or harmful relationship for a long time, you might have lost track of what normal feels like. You might not know what you are supposed to be aiming for. This article is about that.
You feel safe being yourself
In a healthy relationship, you do not have to edit yourself to keep the peace. You can have opinions. You can be in a bad mood sometimes. You can disagree without it becoming a crisis.
You feel safe enough to be honest, even when it is uncomfortable.
Conflict gets resolved
Every relationship has conflict. In a healthy one, conflict leads somewhere. You argue, you work through it, and you come out the other side having understood each other a little better.
It does not mean conflict is easy or painless. It means it does not leave you feeling worse about yourself. And it does not come back over and over without ever changing.
You both take responsibility
In a healthy relationship, both people can say "I was wrong" or "I am sorry, that was not okay." Accountability goes both ways. Neither person is always right. Neither person is always to blame.
You feel respected
Your time matters. Your feelings matter. Your opinions are taken seriously. Even when your partner does not agree with you, they treat your perspective with respect.
You feel more like yourself, not less
A good relationship should make you feel more like yourself over time, not less. You should feel more confident, not more uncertain. More grounded, not more anxious.
If being in your relationship has made you smaller, more fearful, or more confused about who you are, that is important information.
You do not feel relief when they leave
This one is simple but powerful. In a healthy relationship, you are glad when your partner comes home. You do not feel a wave of peace when they walk out the door.
It is okay if this feels unfamiliar
If you grew up around difficult relationships, or if you have been in one for a long time, healthy might feel boring or even wrong at first. That is normal. A therapist can help you understand what you deserve and how to build toward it.