When something is wrong in a relationship, most people assume the next step is couples therapy. But that is not always true. Sometimes individual therapy first is the better move. Here is how to think about it.
When couples therapy makes sense
Couples therapy works best when both people want the relationship to improve and are willing to look at their own behavior. If you are both on the same page about wanting help, and the problems are about communication, conflict, or growing apart, couples therapy is a good fit.
It also works well for specific issues like adjusting to a big life change, recovering from an affair when both people want to try, or premarital work.
When individual therapy makes more sense
Individual therapy first is usually the right call when:
- You suspect there may be emotional abuse or a narcissistic dynamic
- You are not sure if you want to stay in the relationship
- Your partner refuses to go to therapy
- You feel like you have lost yourself in the relationship
- You need to process your own feelings before you can work on the relationship
- You grew up in a difficult family and want to understand your own patterns first
Individual therapy is not giving up on the relationship
A lot of people feel like going to individual therapy instead of couples therapy means they are abandoning the relationship. That is not true. Working on yourself is one of the best things you can do for any relationship.
And sometimes, when one person does their own work and starts to change, the relationship changes too.
You can do both
Individual and couples therapy are not mutually exclusive. Many people do individual therapy alongside couples therapy. Your individual therapist and your couples therapist will generally work independently, focused on their different goals.
Not sure which to choose?
If you genuinely do not know where to start, individual therapy is almost always the safer first step. A good individual therapist can help you figure out what kind of help you need and whether couples therapy is right for your situation.